I’m usually alone in my room. I like being alone. Because being alone doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re lonely. So, no, I don’t feel lonely. I do have moments that I feel lonely but during these times I always feel conflicted. I don’t want to feel alone, but I also don’t want to get out of my room. I don’t think going out of my room will help. I don’t think the people or the company I get outside of my room or my house will help. That may sound mean & critical, but turns out, I’m not a nice person. I try to be, but my thoughts about people, situations & things are usually not nice. I keep it to myself & shut up. But there are times when the words just come out before I can stop it. Times like these always haunt me. Coming back to me to remind me how awful I actually am. So yes, I like being alone & it is also better for the world in general that I am left alone & even better, if I am not still living.
It’s just easier being alone. Being around people is hard. The things we say & do can affect a person & we don’t even know the extent of that effect. That’s a very, very, very scary thought. That’s why people are always saying ‘be kind’, ‘be nice’. Some people do try their best to be kind & nice. Others, obviously didn’t get the message & think that they can do whatever they want. But the thing is, even when we think we’re being kind, it still can & may hurt someone. That’s the problem. Like I said, you just don’t know how you will affect a person. Kindness can hurt too. Just like love can hurt you. Things like these make it so scary & difficult to live. I just don’t know what to do. Especially when I don’t fully have control of myself. I keep telling my doctor & therapist that I should just rot in prison. Because I have done some unkind things. My doctor & therapist said it’s not you, it’s the illness. Is it though? How do they know for sure? What if that’s the real me? Because like I said before, I ‘try’ to be kind. I ‘try’ so, so hard. And yet, I still hurt people. People got hurt either by my words or actions. I don’t like it when people get hurt. It hurts me to know that people are hurting. It hurts me even more when I know they’re hurting because of me. Being alive is hurting everyone. Myself, family, friends, community, country, the world in general. The earth is dying, countries are at war. I just don’t see why I should be kept alive when the resources can go to someone who actually needs it. What if me, being alive is the reason someone, somewhere is not able to live? I don’t want that. Being alone in this world means I’m still using resources. That’s not good. At least in death, I can be helpful by becoming nutrients in soil for the plants & trees. I keep telling this to my doctor & therapist too. Don’t worry, I won’t do anything to myself. I’m at safe place, physically.
But really, it is just easier alone. I don’t know how to be with people. Shutting people out & avoiding them has shown that people don’t want to be with me either. Through books, movies & shows, I learn that people like & don’t like it when you do certain things. But you don’t know who will like or not like what. It’s a guessing game & I’m not good at it. They would give hints through facial expressions & body language, and apparently, I’m not good at reading hints too. Facial expressions & body language can be vague & subjective, there’s no telling what people actually want or think. I really suffer because of this. I didn’t realise this until much later in life. Not everyone like the same thing; compliments, gifts. I’m not good at reading people, but I can tell when things get awkward or bad. I know how to make things bad. I can’t tell if something is good. That’s my ‘power’: make everyone uncomfortable. Ruining every ‘good vibes’ & ‘good mood’.
I want people to have good impression of me. I want people to remember me as a kind person. Because the alternative is too painful. It means I have hurt someone. So being alone is better. Yes, it is avoidance. But it is also preventative measure, to prevent me from hurting more people. Because too many people have been hurt by me.
Read more of this series: Question Time
Lots of love,
