‘How do you feel today?’
‘How have you been feeling lately?’
These are some of the questions that I was asked during therapy. The questions come in different shapes but the gist are basically the same. Feel. Feelings. I always struggle to answer; I would shrug, said ‘meh’, etc. I just don’t know what to say. Sometimes my feelings are a lot, too much, so big & overwhelming that I can’t put it into words. Other times, I just feel numb, dead, lifeless, empty, hollow, etc. They may seem like the same thing, but I feel all those feelings. One word is just not enough. There’s no one word to fully explain how I’m feeling at that time. Not because there is no word for it, but because just one word does not have the same weight as what I’m feeling. Also, sometimes I just don’t know how to describe it. I’m not trying to brag, but I know quite a number of words (not necessarily difficult words) because I had a phase when I read dictionary for fun (Yes, I’m a nerd). But feelings are not simple, they are all jumbled up & interconnected that it’s hard for me to say it as it is.
Apparently, not knowing how to express & describe my own feelings is something I have to work on in therapy. So I always have that feelings wheel with me (see below, from Calm.com). I know feelings, I understand the word, its existence, but I have difficulty relating it to myself. I’m experiencing those feelings but I can’t explain what is happening. Even now, I’m not sure if you guys even understand what I’m saying. I always worry if people wouldn’t understand what I’m saying or if I’m saying something weird. I always memorise & practise what I need to say in my head before saying it. Even then, I still mess up. That will bother me for a really, really long time. I have flashbacks of all my mistakes. Not all at the same time. I would just suddenly remember one & it would just ruin my day. I have depression with psychotic symptoms. I hear voices sometimes. It’s usually mine but I’ve heard other unfamiliar voices too. I punish myself. I gaslight myself. I’m hard on myself. I think that’s why I hear my own voice. Blaming me, punishing me & hurting me. It’s hard. Especially when you can’t even be your own cheerleader. But that’s a different story. Feelings. Because it’s hard for me to describe it, I use a lot of analogies with my therapist. I feel like a little child when I do this though. Cause my examples sound silly even to me. I would regret saying it after that. Because it’s always made on the spot, so I don’t know if it made sense. I would always ask:
‘Do you get it?’
‘Does that make sense to you?’
Bless my therapist, always kind, patient & understanding. Always able to decode my words & make it understandable for normal people. I’m really struggling with my mental health lately & I just feel so tired & basically don’t have the will to keep going. It’s just so hard. My therapist would ask:
‘What are you struggling with?’
‘What do you find so hard?’
I don’t know how to explain it, so I said this:
‘Life is hard for me, in general. It’s like, right now, life is like living in a chicken farm, but I’m a goat. In order to survive, I have to pretend to be a chicken. Because the farmer will only feed the chickens. Because it’s a chicken farm. I don’t want to pretend to be a chicken anymore & I want to leave the farm. But the farmer & the other chickens won’t let me leave.’
My therapist was able to understand this. I would ask if you guys can understand it but I’m too scared to know so I won’t ask. Keep your answer to yourself. Don’t worry, I may be struggling but I have good support system. I’m safe.
Read more of this series: Question Time
Lots of love,
