Dear J,
How are you? I hope you are doing well. I think you are, I heard through the grapevine not too long ago that you are. Very active in a lot of stuff. Good for you. I’m envious of course, but it also sounds very tiring but maybe that’s because I’m an introvert.
This will be my second letter to you. Since I’m not sure if you received the first one (it was a really, really, REALLY long time ago), I decided to not send this to save myself the torture & misery. It’s not your fault, it’s mine. I didn’t mail it, I was going to give it to you myself (ok, not in person but put it somewhere you’ll notice). But I chickened out & was freaking out about it so some friends were nice enough to do it for me. However, I didn’t hear anything from you after that, so I started to wonder if you really received it. There were a lot of hearsay & I can’t blame anyone, cause really, my friends did me a favour & I really should have done it myself. I did gain some courage few months after that to ask you about it. You said it was a long time ago that you don’t remember. Honestly, at that time, I thought that it was possible to forget. But then again, maybe you were being nice & was trying to save me the heartbreak by saying that. Even so, because I don’t like not knowing for sure, I’d rather you tell me the truth. But then again, maybe you were offended by the letter. I didn’t really word it out in a nice way. I should have just said ‘I like you’. But I was indirect, sarcastic & basically being very obnoxious (so sorry about that). Yet again, I can’t blame you or anyone. I was not a nice person (can’t say I am now though).
Anyway, I’m writing to you again now because a few months ago, I saw you in real life for the first time in years. Not sure if you saw me (I hope not), but it was as awkward & nerve wrecking as it was back when we were in school. As if years have not passed us by. You do appear in my dreams every once in a while, so I really, really wasn’t expecting the wave of emotions that came over me when I actually saw you in person. I had a lot of thoughts in my head after that. I always believed that things happen for a reason & there are signs & hints ‘from the universe’ to kind of guide us or give us the push we sometimes need. Unfortunately, I can be delusional, self-absorbed & not a good reader of ‘signs’ or anything that is cryptic or indirect (especially if it’s not in my favour). Also, I’m kind of tired of the emotional push & pull I do to myself. Years. Literally, YEARS. I was hung up on you & couldn’t move on because I never got the concrete ‘no’ from you. It is selfish of me to expect a direct reply when I wasn’t direct about my own feelings. I could just be upfront with you anytime, but I couldn’t. I always get cold feet & I just become even more obnoxious with you or when you are around. Maybe because deep down I know the answer & don’t really want to hear it. Or maybe because facing my own emotions & feelings was so scary & really, really overwhelming & just too much for me. I mean, since then, I have been diagnosed & still struggling with a lot of mental conditions. I don’t know if the emotions I felt when I saw you was because I still have feelings for you or because it was a flashback of my emotions from all those years ago. But I know for certain that I have a lot of regrets. Things that I wish I had done differently. But I’m a coward, so I won’t do anything. Not now or ever. Hence this letter.
I liked you. I really liked you. It may not have been obvious, seeing that I was quite hostile & dismissive of you. But, I really did like you (more than you can imagine). I’m sorry for being unkind & immature towards you. I truly, truly hope you are doing well & wish for nothing but good things & all the happiness in this world & hereafter for you.
Sincerely,
R-S
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Lots of love,
